When I say I’m sick
You ask if I’ve taken medicine
No, no I’m not that kind of sick
And since I’m not that kind of sick, I’m all fine, right?
This is not like the diseases you’ve learned about
So no worries, nothing’s wrong!?
I mean, there are scars on my hands
But you only see them as signs of craziness
You don’t understand, how do I explain?
Pencil sharpeners don’t mean the same
They mean something so wrong and bad
No need to tell me, I get it, you still don’t understand
Let me put it another way
Yes, my heart is cold, but not the weather outside
Yet I still wear a long sleeve hoody hiding something inside
Something you don’t wanna see, but don’t worry
I don’t want you to see it either
‘Cause you’re just going to judge and maybe tell me to stop
But can’t you see…
This is not what I need to hear
I’d rather have a hug, have someone near…
When I drink my coffee I wish I’d been poisoned
Then I wonder if anyone would find the suicide note hiding under my bed
I wrote it just in case I lost control of my mind and was found dead
I wrote it to say I’m sorry if anyone would feel sad
Believe me I don’t wanna feel like this
But there’s no other way, at least not that I can see
I wanna mean it when I say ‘I’m fine’
But instead I end up telling a big lie
I lost the light you talk about
But you won’t even care to try and turn it on for me
‘Cause you’re so busy, see, judging me
Breaking the broken pieces of my heart and everything that’s inside
Making the war on my mind go wild
You just turn my hopes off
As if you don’t know how to be soft
You’re never there for me
But there’s someone else
See, darkness is a great friend
It doesn’t let the light or sleep take me away
But darkness never asks if I want it to stay
It lives deep inside my soul, where it grew roots
But it doesn’t live alone
Darkness brings friends, and I’m not okay with it
But there’s nothing I can do
‘Cause again, darkness never asks
It just makes me so tired
When you’re tired, it’s easy for you
You go to sleep and start a new day
But when I wake up it’s still the same
‘Cause it’s not just my body that’s tired
Sadness is still on my way
And I’m sorry I make my body pay
But I don’t feel like existing, not even today
Then you say I’m not attractive
But I attract depression and anxiety
I’m afraid to go out in a hot, sunny day
But I’m not afraid to stay out in a dark night
And I totally get it, this is not right
What else is not right is when I feel like dying but I’m afraid of it
So all left to do is crying… or self-harming
I try to break free but I can’t
Depression has chained my hands
I’m lost in an ocean of my own, an ocean of sadness but also fear
Sadness doesn’t let me swim and fear doesn’t let it drown me
But it always gets real near
Then as if my mind thinks the war going on
Between me and myself is not enough
My depression fights my anxiety
And I always come to the question “to be or not to be”
And I think I know what my choice is
But I doubt if I have no doubt about it
You see, I don’t know what to think
‘Cause for that I need a light and the light is gone
And I myself can’t turn it on
Still you’re so busy, judging and breaking me
You can’t or don’t want to see I chose “not to be”
And this is something you don’t get
Cause for you depression is just funny like that
For you all of it is a joke
Depression grips my throat and holds my breath
And you still say I chose death
You make me wanna stop this fight
And I feel like I can hear the world screaming
“Look on the bright side is suicide”
This poem was performed by the author at the Kosovo Slam Poetry Festival, organized by alumni from the YES youth exchange and study program, and has been published here with permission. The annual festival aims to be a space for young people in Kosovo to express their struggles and social issues through their original verses.
Feature image: Majlinda Hoxha / K2.0.
