I grew up surrounded by people who taught me to love my country, or at least accept it.
After the news that we will finally be able to travel visa-free to Europe, I’m looking forward to getting to know different cultures and people and sharing new experiences. I want to compare my social, political and artistic interests with those of young people from other European countries.
As a tourist.
Because any other way is unimaginable. I will return to Kosovo, to the love I can’t define but which I hold.
The stories I’ve heard from people who live outside of Kosovo have made me think about how I would feel in their position. I would have missed the love, the harmony and the energy that people here have between us. I would miss the willingness to be there for each other whenever others need it.
I would miss my family and our conversations during the day even when the days are full of work. I would miss their unshakable support even when everything is disappointing. I would be nostalgic for heated debates with friends in cafes. For passionate discussions about film, theater, Nietzsche, the good, the beautiful, the just and politics, which we discuss as if the future of the world depends on these discussions. I would miss laughing on the way home, when after an argument we become aware of the insignificance of our disagreements and we accept the futility of things with open arms.
Laughing with tears about nothing, crying without tears about everything. These are the things that make you feel like your life revolves around extremes and gives you adrenaline, which for me is like nectar for bees. I know that I would not find this anywhere else but where my soul is accustomed to living.
This does not mean that I am content with everything in Kosovo, I am simply looking for things that make me feel satisfied. Pleasure should be pursued and is a process, not a stationary state.
While many things are wrong in Kosovo, I am staying here with the hope and potential to change the direction of things, to make them right.
I also stay here for the love of the theater, for which I never stop learning. I stay to work and to realize my dream and become a director here.
For the theater
Maybe some would say that a good director can work anywhere in the world. One day I hope to present my work all over the world as an achievement for me and for my country.
Art is a means of change. I have always seen theater as an agent of social change. At a time when values are in crisis and technology has penetrated into every corner of society, theatrical performance is a means of education. As a theater director, I consider it necessary to bring ideas, beauty and education to the audience in an entertaining and understandable way, especially for the youth.
Leaving this job would be abandoning a part of myself and abandoning my purpose. The idea that one day I could represent Kosovo at a festival gives me a kind of happiness that I wouldn’t get anywhere else. The thought that I have contributed a little to educating people and the carving of artistic taste fills me with excitement and motivation. Whether I am successful or not, is only a small detail.
I’ve read somewhere that traveling with hope is more fun than arriving. There have been many occasions when I have stayed in places much more luxurious than home, but the best sleep I have is at home. No matter the places I’ve visited, my problems are only solved with my family. I have met many people, but the best, freest and most honest conversations I have had were with my friends back home.
During a two-week stay in Thessaloniki, the beautiful views amazed me but I felt the absence of my small city, even if it’s not as beautiful. I have seen seas and plains, beaches and mountains, subways and the bustling city. But I also saw the indifference of people there, who seemed unimpressed with the beautiful sights. Coming from a poor country, I felt lucky compared to the locals — they seemed to have lost the ability to be fascinated by their own beauty.
People have the ability to get used to circumstances and adapt. I have never cursed that I was not born somewhere like Thessaloniki. Instead I feel lucky that I had the opportunity to be wowed by it.
The fact that I have not and will not abandon Kosovo is not something I regret. I have never dreamt of a different life. I grew up in difficult circumstances, but I don’t feel bad. Instead, I am glad that I can be happy and motivated by every success, no matter how small it is.
I still believe that anything can be achieved with hard work — even in Kosovo.
And instead of envying another country, I will work to make Kosovo a place to envy.
Feature image: Atdhe Mulla via Midjourney
