In Kosovo, the new generation of men are still raised with a mindset of violent and toxic masculinity. Masculinity is still closely linked to violence, control and hiding emotions. If a man doesn’t display these traits, society condemns him for not being “man enough.”

We often see examples of this in popular media. In TV shows, movies, songs and other formats, it’s common to hear expressions like “You’re not a man if you change your mind,” “‘you’re not a man if you cry” and “‘if you’re a man, you’ll accept it.”

Men are still expected to be tough, never back down, change their minds, or cry. Many Kosovar men live with the idea that they must prove their masculinity, sometimes violently.

Despite various campaigns to challenge narrow notions of masculinity, there has been no radical change in Kosovo. As a young Kosovar man, I find it troubling that men judge and mock those who don’t conform to the traditional alpha male stereotype. When a man doesn’t behave in ways perceived as masculine by society or shows emotions, he is labeled with terms such as “gay,” “weak” or “woman.” These labels are intended as insults and reflect the derogatory attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people and women.

I have experienced these prejudices and stereotypes. As a child, if I cried because I was sad, my family mocked and criticized me. They told me that only girls cry and that I should learn to suppress my emotions.

During adolescence, I faced pressure from my peers to only view girls in a sexual context, not as friends. I was also expected to be tough and show my manliness, rather than being soft and tolerant.

Why is this problematic?

Toxic masculinity still creates generations of closed-minded men and perpetuates violence against others, especially women.

The current mindset of both young and old men holds them hostage and stops them from living freely. It’s crucial to understand that being a man isn’t defined by being arrogant or violent. You are still a man when you don’t harass women and when you support feminism and LGBTQ+ rights.

I began challenging this mentality by doing things such as growing long hair and getting an eyebrow piercing. I did these things while living outside of Kosovo. Through such actions, I began to feel confident with myself and defy the prejudices of the men around me. I started to understand that being a man is about embracing how I feel, not conforming to society’s expectations. 

One of the main causes of femicide is men’s insecurity about themselves and their masculinity. It seems that for Kosovar men, the ego rooted in toxic masculinity makes it difficult to accept that a marriage or relationship isn’t working. In these situations, divorce is seen as unacceptable because of societal prejudice toward a man who failed to exercise control over “his woman.”

I’ve seen the same mentality among younger boys, who believe that they shouldn’t give up on a relationship, fearing that they won’t be considered manly enough if they “allow a woman to leave.”

In their pursuit of society’s approval, men not only resort to violence, but also reduce the quality of their own lives. A case from January 2024, when an 18-year-old died due to brutal violence inflicted by two of his peers, highlights how a society that promotes toxic masculinity leads to more generations of aggressive men.

Suppressing emotions also has psychological consequences and creates unattainable expectations for men, which in turn exacerbates the pressure on them. Men are expected to financially support the family and never complain about the challenges they experience. This has affected me personally — I’ve experienced stress and low self-esteem because I’ve felt inadequate for having goals that differ from what’s expected of me. With the help of a psychologist, I realized that I was caught in a clash between my individual personality and the persona shaped by culture and society. Whenever I failed to live up to the persona that society expected, it made me feel like a failure, question my masculinity and feel guilty.

We need to focus on educating the younger generations and raise boys that challenge the root of this harmful masculinity. Increasing the number of school psychologists is essential for breaking the stigma around seeking support. Seeking guidance from therapists and psychologists helps us to identify our traumas, develop coping mechanisms, improve communication and emotional expression.

Men who are trying to find a healthier path for themselves and society should not feel guilty or like they are doing something wrong. Those who equate masculinity with violence must change, and in this change, we must all unite.

Feature image: Arrita Katona / K2.0.