“Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power,” is a quote attributed to the Irish poet Oscar Wilde. I am not sure how most people interpret this saying, but it clearly conveys a twisted truth, wrapped in a logical paradox that juxtaposes the first sentence against itself and the second sentence against the first.

So, the safest understanding we can build is that not everything in the world revolves around sex. For me, the truest meaning is that nothing actually revolves around sex, even though it often appears that way. While everything may seem directed towards sex, it is actually directed towards power, which is the underlying force behind everything.

Below, I will address precisely the ambiguity and distortion surrounding the topic of sex, especially in our society.

Prejudice as a weapon

It would be a bit ambitious to claim that everything, every discussion about sex is twisted, ambiguous. But there is some truth to this statement.

Sex is political because it is instrumentalized to control women and girls. For example, the patriarchy is all around us, even in our homes. In our daily life, we still encounter the persistent notion of virginity as a value, which denies women the right to their bodily freedom and autonomy.

The 2022 United Nations Development Program (UNDP) report on the attitudes of young people towards gender norms in Kosovo highlights that young boys hold prejudices against girls who have sex before marriage.

I believe that “prejudice” can only be used conditionally here. The issue is not simply due to misinformation or naivety among Kosovar boys and men. It’s rooted in deliberate untruths preserved by a patriarchal society to maintain women’s established relationships with work, family and essentially, sex. In addition to these prejudices, daily police reports show physical and psychological violence against women by their partners.

Sex is used as a means to first dehumanize women and then to relegate them to secondary social roles. When girls are judged by the boys of our society for having sex before marriage, they are pushed towards a fate in which they lack sexual freedom. This is the essence of the whole issue —  the multi-layered oppression of women of all ages and classes, starting with sexual oppression. This is especially evident in Kosovo, a small country where men are not shy about voicing their opinions — they talk about sex freely and without fear.

If we take it for granted that “the freedom of one ends where the freedom of the other begins,” then in Kosovo’s case, the sexual freedom of men does not end at all. Instead, it violently oppresses women’s sexual freedom — which in this context, it seems, is not allowed to begin.

While reflecting on the instrumentalization of sex for control and power, I watched a video that shows a teacher in charge that day at a school where sexual harassment had been reported. Her comments were deeply offensive, especially considering her position of power, which means she could make girls’ lives better. This amplifies the seriousness of the situation.

“Now I’m having more problems with girls than with boys… Girls curse in class, girls bully boys, girls provoke their teachers. Do you believe me? When you come to school wearing a short skirt, isn’t it a provocation? When you give the middle finger to the teacher or another student, isn’t that a provocation? I’m doing great with the boys, but I’m having trouble with the girls,” she said, embracing the culture of victim-blaming. As if that wasn’t enough, the comments people made on Facebook also shocked me. There were dozens, maybe hundreds, of comments praising the teacher and insulting girls and women.

“Well said,” commented one person, adding that we should go back to the old times “and not send girls to school.” Another added: “Normally, this happens when women go half-naked; that’s a provocation.” A third chimed in: “Women’s democracy is shaming us. This happens when you give them too much freedom… Every day, women embarrass us. And the whole world realizes what garbage we are.”

It is wrong to think that all these comments are simply an expression of naivety and lack of information. In fact, these comments contain a strong and persistent political goal: to take away women’s freedom and rights through dehumanization. In this case, dehumanization means viewing women as sexually inferior and unequal to men.

According to the Kosovo Police, there were cases of 126 sexual assault and harassment reported from January to October in 2023. In reality, the number of sexual assaults and harassment against women may be ten times higher.

Meanwhile, aside from the political efforts to demotivate and silence women, the situation in Kosovo’s schools and universities is terrifying. An investigation by K2.0 revealed that about 100 people at the University of Prishtina (UP) have experienced sexual harassment, studying in an environment where the regulation for the prevention of sexual harassment requires victims to report incidents within one year. Shortly after the publication of K2.0’s research, 27 girls accused a professor of sexual harassment. Despite this, UP has not taken any radical action to protect its students.

Despite the progress in gender emancipation in recent decades, sexualized politics still prevail. Women who engage in activism, and even those who do not, are sexualized, objectified and constantly reminded that they are women. This happens more frequently than ever. Sex is used effectively to depoliticize and deactivate efforts for equality.

Sex is fundamentally about power, and it manifests as such. Unfortunately, in our society, it remains under the control of power structures such as patriarchy. This system, which instrumentalizes sex, creates new forms of oppression that we witness everyday. While it affirms men’s sexual freedom, it reduces women’s freedom.

Sex is not just about itself, it’s about power. Power, thought inherently directed towards itself (like everything else), produces the appearance that everything is directed towards sex. This happens because power continues to be patriarchal and opposes any form of absolute sexual freedom.

The statement at the beginning of the article suggests a reality that we wish were true — nothing in the world is about sex, except sex, and sex should not lead to power. Therefore, if we accept the above statement as true — no matter how logically contradictory it might sound — we must accept that the norm aspired to by all must be its complete opposite. Sex should not lead to power, nor should it be under its control.

Feature Image: K2.0