When I say I’m sick

You ask if I’ve taken medicine

No, no I’m not that kind of sick

And since I’m not that kind of sick, I’m all fine, right?

This is not like the diseases you’ve learned about

So no worries, nothing’s wrong!?

I mean, there are scars on my hands

But you only see them as signs of craziness

You don’t understand, how do I explain?

Pencil sharpeners don’t mean the same

They mean something so wrong and bad

No need to tell me, I get it, you still don’t understand

Let me put it another way

Yes, my heart is cold, but not the weather outside

Yet I still wear a long sleeve hoody hiding something inside

Something you don’t wanna see, but don’t worry

I don’t want you to see it either

‘Cause you’re just going to judge and maybe tell me to stop

But can’t you see…

This is  not what I need to hear

I’d rather  have a hug, have someone near…

When I drink my coffee I wish I’d been poisoned

Then I wonder if anyone would find the suicide note hiding under my bed

I wrote it just in case I lost control of my mind and was found dead

I wrote it to say I’m sorry if anyone would feel sad

Believe me I don’t wanna feel like this

But there’s no other way, at least not that I can see

I wanna mean it when I say ‘I’m fine’

But instead I end up telling a big lie

I lost the light you talk about

But you won’t even care to try and turn it on for me

‘Cause you’re so busy, see, judging me

Breaking the broken pieces of my heart and everything that’s inside

Making the war on my mind go wild

You just turn my hopes off

As if you don’t know how to be soft

You’re never there for me

But there’s someone else

See, darkness is a great friend

It doesn’t let the light or sleep take me away

But darkness never asks if I want it to stay

It lives deep inside my soul, where it grew roots

But it doesn’t live alone

Darkness brings friends, and I’m not okay with it

But there’s nothing I can do

‘Cause again, darkness never asks

It just makes me so tired

When you’re tired, it’s easy for you

You go to sleep and start a new day

But when I wake up it’s still the same

‘Cause it’s not just my body that’s tired

Sadness is still on my way

And I’m sorry I make my body pay

But I don’t feel like existing, not even today

Then you say I’m not attractive

But I attract depression and anxiety

I’m afraid to go out in a hot, sunny day

But I’m not afraid to stay out in a dark night

And I totally get it, this is not right

What else is not right is when I feel like dying but I’m afraid of it

So all left to do is crying… or self-harming

I try to break free but I can’t

Depression has chained my hands

I’m lost in an ocean of my own, an ocean of sadness but also fear

Sadness doesn’t let me swim and fear doesn’t let it drown me

But it always gets real near

Then as if my mind thinks the war going on

Between me and myself is not enough

My depression fights my anxiety

And I always come to the question “to be or not to be”

And I think I know what my choice is

But I doubt if I have no doubt about it

You see, I don’t know what to think

‘Cause for that I need a light and the light is gone

And I myself can’t turn it on

Still you’re so busy, judging and breaking me

You can’t or don’t want to see I chose “not to be”

And this is something you don’t get

Cause for you depression is just funny like that

For you all of it is a joke

Depression grips my throat and holds my breath

And you still say I chose death

You make me wanna stop this fight

And I feel like I can hear the world screaming

“Look on the bright side is suicide”

This poem was performed by the author at the Kosovo Slam Poetry Festival, organized by alumni from the YES youth exchange and study program, and has been published here with permission. The annual festival aims to be a space for young people in Kosovo to express their struggles and social issues through their original verses.

Feature image: Majlinda Hoxha / K2.0.