Avdyl and Rrustem sit across from each other, divided by a table, keeping their distance, though their relationship has never been better. When others are around, they instinctively act like they are merely friends and avoid behavior that might reveal what they truly are –– a loving couple.
The two men are often forced to conceal their identities and their love from others. (Avdyl and Rrustem are pseudonyms granted to them to maintain their privacy). However, in conversation, they can’t conceal the anger and disappointment they feel about the hatred that is directed at them and people like them on a daily basis. They are hated because of their love for each other.
Their future as a gay couple, and ultimately, as citizens of Kosovo, was a topic of debate in Kosovo’s Assembly on March 16, when the new draft civil code came up for a vote.
Though the draft law has 1,630 articles that would regulate various aspects of the private and public life in Kosovo, it was article 1,138, paragraph 2 that was the bone of contention, and practically the only portion under discussion. The paragraph states: “Registered civil unions between persons of the same sex are allowed. Conditions and procedures are regulated by a special law.”
The law was rejected.
Avdyl expected these results and the discriminatory language used in the parliamentary discussions. “We simply know that whatever happens,” he said, “it will never be in our favor.”
One of the main justifications deputies brought up to oppose the proposed civil code was that same-sex civil unions pose an existential threat to preserving the institution of family.
Avdyl and Rrustem see things differently. “Pushing a gay man to get married to a woman, to build a family based on lies, to lie to their kids, to an innocent woman,” Rrustem said, “this is what destroys a family.”
With or without a civil code, Avdyl and Rrustem live in hiding and they do not feel free to be open about their relationship publicly or even at home. “The first thing I do when I get home is put the blinds down. Every time Rrustem approaches me at home, I don’t dare do so much as touch his hand without checking that the blinds are down,” said Avdyl.
Seeing other couples kiss and hug in the streets reminds them of what they cannot have. Their dream is to access the same simple pleasures as heterosexual couples, like holding hands in public. Rrustem, with a pained smile, tells of a time when he touched Avdyl’s hand in the square, just to see what it was like, to hold his lover’s hand in public.
Even outside the country, the fear they’ve developed in Kosovo shows up in unexpected ways. “Rrustem wanted to hold my hand once when we were abroad. I immediately took my hand away. My hand literally started hurting,” Avdyl recalled.
“We wouldn’t know how to act if we were free,” said Rrustem.
To love openly is not an option for them. And after seeing the hate directed their way in Kosovo’s Assembly due to a single sentence in a 1,630 article-long law, Avdyl and Rrustem will continue keeping their blinds down.
“Our blinds are always down so that we can feel safe,” Rrustem said. “Feel safe where? At your own home. This eats you up.”
New draft, old rhetoric
On March 16, after the morning session, chairman of the Assembly Glauk Konjufca asked the deputies going on a short break to “take a deep breath and reflect” on the upcoming point of discussion: the civil code.
At 2 p.m. the deputies reassembled for what everyone knew would be a hotly contested session.
The draft civil code is not entirely unknown to Kosovars, as it‘s been in the works since 2014. The last time it was part of the public discussion was almost two years ago. In August 2020, after being approved by the government, it was sent to the legislative rules and oversight committee.
Later that year, in absence of a quorum, the civil code was never voted on. When the Kurti government came to power in March 2021, the draft was sent back to the Ministry of Justice for review. The latest draft civil code was approved on December 29, 2021, and finally brought up for debate in the Assembly on March 16.
The civil code gained the most attention online after Duda Balje, a deputy holding one of the three guaranteed Assembly seats for Bosniaks and the head of the legislative committee responsible for human rights and gender equality, came out against the draft law in a Facebook post on February 23.