This is a story that started many years ago,
Where a baby girl was born but supposed to be a baby boy
Had no home!
This is a story that never ends!
The other day I heard my friends talking
About this girl who had no father
They were talking loud so I could hear
As I was walking quite near!
Suddenly they stopped
And gave me that kind of sad look…
For one reason they assumed I had no father
Cause I only mentioned mother!
I just kept moving along,
Thinking of what is wrong.
My father said
I am a worthless girl!
He grew old
Asking, why do you even talk?
Did I ask you anything…
Meanwhile my brother
Had every right… even mine.
My father said I’m worthless
That I couldn’t speak unless I read it somewhere
Because I am a girl and girls are stupid.
But dad, do you want a DAMN surprise?
I AM NOT WORTHLESS!
I AM NOT STUPID!
And I CAN speak without reading it.
You say I’m worthless
Because you never got to know me,
It’s funny how only my brother had a father,
And when I say it out loud
You even take the courage to say:
I made you! You should be thankful!
Well guess what,
No, I’m not.
I’m thankful to my mom,
I am afraid I can never repay
Tears and fears of my mother
To whom I promised I will.
I promised but
Who can ever pay the mothers bill?!
Why should I thank you
That you had sex?
That you wanted another boy?
You didn’t raise me…
you pushed me down…
you didn’t do anything but
let me down…
All my straight nerves turn into a big curl
That you don’t accept that I’m not a guy
I was born a girl and don’t ask me why.
My hair now is probably a mess
But that’s not the thing I have to confess
Tell me why you took care of my brother
When he came home drunk,
But when I’m on my periods
You’re mad as it was wrong
Why I never had a congrats hug
When I won school medals,
Or when I graduated,
But instead you got my brother’s back
Because he dumped his girlfriend?!
to me don’t curse and you give me that stare
But when you do it’s like I’m not even there.
You aim for respect
But I want that too,
You act like you have one kid
But forget you had two.
I have a driving license
But I’m not allowed to take the car
You limited me to a lot of things
And it’s strange how I don’t hate you at all
Can’t you see that this is wrong
How my heart is not that strong,
And my chest holds up my words,
Trying to make steps towards.
But I don’t think I can keep it long
Of not knowing where the hell I belong?!
Somehow this haunts me
You think you’ve known me since forever
But the truth is you have not!
You don’t know my favorite food,
You don’t know what I drink,
And in my sorrow then I sink.
I don’t want to even think
That maybe you don’t know the colors of my eyes
Cause you never analyzed,
We never had a real talk
I just realized!
I never had a birthday gift,
Neither did I blow out the candles,
Are these things every little girl handles?
And I never was called daddy’s girl,
So why teachers said that
Father is the sea and daughter is the pearl!
But instead of being that
I was just another chair
At the dining table,
Trying not to ever hate
As I drown in these thoughts
They already ate,
Waiting to be asked for my day,
Even if it’s too late!
Why father? Can I just know why?
Why is he always before I?
I am your blood as well,
I am your kid as much as he
Treat me as I deserve
And this is a Plea!
Somehow I grew up
I am a big girl now
Someday I will be a mom
I hope deeply to hold my baby’s hand
Boy or girl, IT DOES NOT MATTER
‘Cause for one thing I’m sure
If it will be a baby boy
My prince will be a gentleman
And if a girl
COVERED WITH ALL MY LOVE
And someday when I will be gone
My gentleman prince will be dad’s girl’s idol
And will tell stories of her lovely grandma
That grew her babies with a pure pure love
No matter the circumstances
No matter if a boy or a girl
No matter her child trauma in her past
No matter anything.
DAMN IT DAD
It is so hard to be hard on me
But guess what
I’m a grown-up girl, stronger than you and your thoughts…
The way you taught me how to be strong
… an unforgettable way…
A gift that only you thought was the best,
This is a story that never ends…
Father, ohhhh Father
I’ma let you know
I AM PROUD TO BE A GIRL
To give my children all the love of the world that I always missed!!!!
It is funny tho’
I know you don’t know…
You don’t like me around home
But I am a girl
BECAUSE OF YOUR X CHROMOSOME!!!
This poem was performed by the author at the Kosovo Slam Poetry Festival, organized by alumni from the YES youth exchange and study program, and has been published here with permission. The annual festival aims to be a space for young people in Kosovo to express their struggles and social issues through their original verses.
Feature image: Majlinda Hoxha / K2.0.