Being born or raised in a country that is not that of your parents brings numerous benefits.
You are lucky to grow up bilingual. You speak one language at home and another as soon as you go out on the street. Being able to manage two languages from a young age is like having two pairs of eyes. It allows you to see things better, broader and deeper. You grow up observing and touching two different cultures. Two ways of living, behaving, eating, celebrating and seeing the world that in theory have nothing to do with each other.
But then you discover that there are meeting points. You look in the mirror and understand that you are one of them. You are both countries, you represent them in the best way possible and can be proud of being something different from the masses.
In short: we’re perfect and they are the devil to stay away from.
It’s nice to grow up in this way, but it’s not all roses and flowers. There are also negative aspects, and today I would like to talk about what I consider to be the worst of them. (A previous piece, by Eliza Adriani, treated this same topic, from a woman’s perspective.)
We, children of Kosovar Albanians, grow up with a pressure that is imposed on us by our family, relatives as well as by Albanian culture: The person we decide to marry should be Albanian. There are no compromises.
To have a partner of another nationality, and therefore most probably of another religion, would be sullying the honor of the family. Especially for those like me, who grew up in a foreign country, it would be like destroying years of sacrifices made by our parents. And nobody knows how tough it has been for them to leave their home, to move abroad and live for most of their lives in a foreign country in order to provide a better future for their children.
We grew up hearing from an early age that an Albanian wife or husband is better. That those who mix these kinds of things have an unhappy life. I’ve heard Europeans being described as people who marry exclusively for money-related interests. They divorce, but we don’t. Their men have lovers, ours don’t. Their women go for anyone, ours don’t.
In short: We’re perfect and they’re the devil to stay away from.
I grew up trusting those words blindly. I was small, Kosovo was my favorite place and I dreamed of going back to live there. I trusted the words of my relatives. You would have believed those words too.
But then I grew up, I reached that age at which a boy starts to look at members of the other sex with interest and pleasure, and discovers the magic of falling in love. I stopped, and told myself that I couldn’t.
I grew up in Italy, and more than 90% of the girls I saw every day were Italian. I couldn’t and shouldn’t fall in love with them.
I didn’t let myself become overcome by that condition, because every summer I went back to Kosovo. I always stayed between one and three months. Enough time to fall in love with a pretty Albanian girl. I would find my wife in Kosovo, I repeated to myself while watching my Italian friends begin their first relationships without any problems.
But then something huge happened, something you can’t and won’t control. The lightning strike, the sudden falling in love. The one that strikes your feet off the ground, that makes you sit on a bench until five in the morning, just to stay in her embrace.
There was a problem: She wasn’t Albanian — but it was as if I had forgotten.
It's not customary to talk about these topics between an Albanian father and son.
The initial period went on like that, harmlessly. I was in love, I had nothing on my mind but her. But then the story went even better, it was more than just enjoying each other and spending time together.
And so came the day when I had to tell my mother. If only because I no longer knew where to hide the presents I received, and because I was almost ashamed of doing so.
There was nothing to hide: I had met a girl, I liked her, I had fallen in love and I felt like the happiest guy in the world. I hadn’t killed anyone, I wasn’t taking drugs, I wasn’t doing badly at school. Why would I have to feel shame?
One late evening I came home with the gifts she had given to me. I had to get my mother to start the conversation, and that’s what happened. She asked me who those things belonged to. I told her that a girl had given them to me. Then, I calmly explained to her that we had been together for a couple of months, that I liked her and that she was not Albanian.
She took it well, in fact, she seemed happy for me. Every day, she asked me with interest how things were going. I couldn’t believe it — I was breaking the unwritten rules of my culture and it wasn’t a problem.
Then the best and most unbelievable part happened. I told my father. It’s not customary to talk about these topics between an Albanian father and son. I realized at the age of 18 that I had never approached this subject with my father.
He reacted even better than my mother, and I saw happiness in his eyes — he even told me to invite her home. I couldn’t believe this was possible. My girlfriend came over a couple of times, she met my mother and things seemed to be going well.
Then the story ended and the chapter closed. This experience, theoretically, should have taken away any doubt or hesitation in my mind concerning this topic. In fact, after this story, the opposite happened.
Regularly, during the last couple of summers, one or more of my cousins have gotten married. My parents would tell me how beautiful the marriage was, how pretty the bride was, and then they would always end the speech in the same manner: “They removed one worry.” Because that’s what marriage is in our culture, getting rid of a worry from the path of life. As if it were an obstacle, which the sooner you overcome, the better.
In Kosovo, marriage is seen differently, there’s no concept of taking your time before making such a decision, on the contrary, you are pressured to hurry up and do it.
I keep hearing stories of acquaintances who get married within a year, and the following year they already have a baby. How do you know who you’re marrying within one year? How do you bring a new being into the world after such a short relationship?
But they’re still seen as “better” by society. Me, single at 26, attending a master’s degree program in a foreign language and capable of speaking four tongues, I am seen as “worse.” Because a man who, at 25 years old, is already married, works and has a baby — preferably a boy — is the ideal type of a Albanian man to be proud of.
I still remember when in Italy, as a child, in the street where I lived I saw a banner hanging on the wall of the house in front of mine. It was a fun message that the friends of a groom had prepared for him. They had written something along the lines of, “Today, you will make one of the most important decisions of your life — but if you have any doubts, there is still time to step back!”
That banner upset my existence. In Kosovo, marriage is seen differently, there’s no concept of taking your time before making such a decision; on the contrary, you are pressured to hurry up and do it. In Italy, when people talked about marriage, I heard phrases like, “Be calm, it’s an important step, you have to think about it 1,000 times.” This is something I’ve never heard from my people yet.
Growing up, I began to focus on the differences between Italy and Kosovo in terms of understanding life, in particular concerning this topic. There’s a phrase that has always been used by Albanian people and that I sometimes still hear. When a boy gets married, the parents and relatives say, “We married him.” That doesn’t make any sense conceptually, one decides to get married and does it. It’s not the others who decide for you.
I wanted to understand this way of defining things, so I decided to read Lek Dukagjini’s “Kanun.” In this text, I guess I found an answer. In one of the articles, it says that everyone deals with marriage except for the couple. That’s why it makes sense to say that “we married him.” Because at that time, all decisions were in the hands of the two families concerned. The couple didn’t take care of anything, sometimes they didn’t even choose or like each other.
I realized that all the stereotypes by which Europeans were described also applied to us.
Times have changed and you don’t hear about cases like those anymore — at least, I hope not. But a germ of that mentality has remained. The pressure exerted by the family and relatives conditions you and leads you to make such a decision.
What has remained widespread is the idea of “giving” or “taking” a girl. The female sex is still seen as an object. Even today, girls still hear from their families that it is good for them to learn to do certain things at home, because when they leave for their husbands they won’t have to look bad. Things such as cleaning the house, preparing food, serving çaj (tea) and so on.
The idea that the woman is the object of the man is still there. A thing that a father decides to give away or not. That is what leads many to get married after a short time of knowing each other, because it often happens that a girl’s father appears and tells the boy to decide what to do — get married or stop — because his daughter is not a toy.
Growing up, I also realized that all the stereotypes by which Europeans were described also applied to us. People started divorcing, fortunately. I say that because I imagine the life of a woman, given in marriage or maybe even married by her own will, locked up in the house by the stereotypical Albanian man, who prevents you from going out and performing normal social activities. I imagine this woman finding the courage — thanks to a more open society — to leave that house and return to freedom.
The concept of divorce almost did not exist for us, because women did not dare to leave the man they married. But I discovered that our people also have lovers, that our people also marry for personal gain. In short, that we are not better than others. We are not perfect and the “others” are not the devil.
I am aware that if I marry an Albanian girl, everything would be marvelous.
In addition to having been lucky enough to grow up in a developed country like Italy, having been able to study and not having had to live through the war, I have the enormous fortune of having two parents who have never made me feel this kind of pressure. But I feel it anyway, because that worry was born in my head a long time ago.
If I get married to a non-Albanian girl, how will my parents be seen? How will I be considered? Who can come to my house as a guest if my wife doesn’t speak Albanian? Will she ever travel to Kosovo? How will we name our children? Will our children speak Albanian?
All these things are considered more important than a person’s happiness by our people. And even if you don’t care, like me, the pressure keeps playing its role in your mind.
Over time, I wonder how I can handle this pressure, but I have not yet found an answer. I’m aware that if I were to marry an Albanian girl, everything would be marvelous. My parents could sleep peacefully and I would be well regarded by all my relatives. While if she weren’t Albanian, my parents would accept my choice, but I know that they would never be 100% happy, that my daily life with relatives would be difficult and that I would probably end up isolated from the family and mocked.
That’s why one summer night, I slept in the airport of Stuttgart to catch a plane at 6 a.m. and traveled for more than 1,000 kilometers, just to meet a girl. Why did I do it? Because I liked her and in particular because she was Albanian. If she had been of any other nationality, I obviously wouldn’t have done it.
In any case, it didn’t work.
But every day I keep asking myself, if tomorrow I meet another girl, will I fall in love with her because I like her, or will I let myself be conditioned by the fact that she is Albanian?
Feature: Arrita Katona / K2.0.
Lindim, Vlora and Gj Berisha: The only reason why you are saying things like that? Is because of you are still stuck in the middle ages, because love is actually about how you feel. Not with traditions or patroism or anything like that, just two people who love eachother simple is that. Have you guys ever watched a Disney movie when your were a child? Or maybe Shrek? No i don’t think so, watch them and then you will learn about how true love really works ok👍
I know this article is old, but shall I call a Waaaaaaaaambulance? Like your parents having a preference is a tragedy. That pales in comparison to what Albanian girls go through. Has anyone ever beat you into doing the housework or yelling at you when you were like 7 for the way you sat or spoke? Albanian men are such cry babies. Most cultures have preferences to stay within their own kind, especially when you think of the history of the Albanian people. Your parents just want to keep their legacy alive, you my friend have first world problems and need to get over yourself.
Love with albanian people. Really beautiful
I think Albanians try way to hard to keep face and are nothing like they should be and boy does religion have a lot to do with being a real Albanian, I was born in Queens NY and grew up as a Muslim Albanian kid with a broom and mop in hand at a young age as super to a100 unit building and I’m the third child in my family of snakes and liars yes I said snakes and liars for family members. Being Albanian has its benefits when keeping it real as one but when it comes to being a muslims Albanian in NY it is very disturbing . Since I was a kid my parents would always tell me my brother and sister to help with garage and superintendent duties and save every dollar so we can live in a nice home instead of being supers and we did just that but let me tell you growing up as a block head supers son like the neighborhood kids would call me and my brother It wasn’t Easy we had to fight our way just to fit in but let’s bring it back to the Albanian culture and those faces only a insider can pinpoint. My parents always wanted better for the family And always spewed on how it should be and what we need to do as a unit and it was just that for 40 years until I realized my older brother was the only one receiving the credits from my parents as a golden child and I would get kicked to the side in every situation so I strived to pick up all the skills needed to help my family succeed in our goals , I earned skills that my brother and Family relied on like plumbing/ painting/ Sheetrock/car repairs.....etc which came in handy when my father bought a six unit building but for some reason it killed my brother to see me helping the family Save money more then he ever could But he was a good helping hand like a decent Apprentice but my parents just wouldn’t see me as that good son saving tons of money and jumping through every loop like a good Circus dog, I always thought I was doing something wrong when my brother would receive car after car and pocket money And all the good stuff I never got and he got it for doing less then me but He was skilled In manipulating And talking a good game to my parents into thinking I am a problem child and worthless yea I was a bit crazy growing up but I got no criminal record and I did my best for my parents but it was never enough, stupid me was so proud of being a Muslim Albanian and i knew nothing about Islam or culture. Fast forward 30 years later after my parents gave away their only daughter which was so relieving for them because face was so important and once my sister was out the picture it was me and my so called brother but me and my brother don’t talk anymore And never did as kids because He was always acting cool and shit talking which wasn’t my style but I finally woke up and found the truth and facts behind it all my family claims to be muslims but they don’t have one religious bone in their body besides a few night prayer they say before bedtime, they love money and see it as the Ultimate god and as for getting married to an Albanian girl and it being the best LoL that’s so overrated it’s so full of crap it’s far from funny, the Albanian girls these days are all about what you have and what you can give them even if the girl has been around the block a few times they still try to use Albanian culture to sweep their history under the carpet it’s a shame because I’ve had a few Albanian girls in my time growing up and they are freaks and so insecure they act out for attention and are no different from outsiders so what are you really getting married to!!! it’s either a slave that will turn on you after she learns the ropes or used goods with a history that will sneak up on you . Getting married to an Albanian girl Albanian girls today is all about face cus you really don’t know what she is like until you take her home for good and your marrying her whole family as well and it’s all do to face, no different from those girls Albanian parents tell you to stay away from but they are even worse because they know how to manipulate those cultural faces to the fullest . Now my wife is the sweetest German Irish white girl I grew up with and I wouldn’t trade her for 70 virgins Even if they fell from the sky at my door but my parents have no respect for her and have so much respect for my brothers wife and my brothers wife disrespects my parents all day long and my parents worry she will talk to others about the family so they swallow all her crap no matter what (face)!!! My conclusions to modern day Albanian Muslims is many albo muslims have lost their way since the Ottoman Empire Took over their life styles, they try and try to live up to the culture but just can’t fill the shoes of a real Albanians and the cultural Albanian ways of life they even go as far as saying silly things like George Kastrioti was a Muslim fighter and his real man is Skender Beu, and what’s make an Albanian girl better then an outsider when that Albanian girls curses your parents out and does her best to control the household and complains about things she doesn’t have and shouts big demands compared to the outsider that has so much respect and love and works her ass off to try and fit in because she’s married to an Albanian that she grew up with since she was a child . Albania’s today are pony and should go back to being catholic, I did and it was one of the best things I did in life especially when an Albanian Muslim doesn’t feel muslim or fallow the religion after all to be a real Muslim you need to recognize Jesus And his existence because he is the most mentioned profit in the Quran plus Albanian culture goes hand and hand with being catholic, don’t get me wrong Islam is a great religion if you Believe in it and fallow it but look at albo muslims today all over Kosovo they will do anything for money and I mean anything !!! I was lied to my whole life and was used by my family for personal gain and I have so much more to share with the world about Albanian families and culture that I made it my duty to voice these facts before I die because family shouldn’t be this way and I’m not the only one that lives this truth . God bless all that keep it real no matter what or who your are Amen . I’ll be back !!!!
Long bitter story ahead : I married my husband whom I dated for many years. He is born in the USA his parents immigrated to the USA from Kosovo. We have been together for over 20 years and that is do to our love for each other. (love knows no culture it has to do with your heart and who you are meant to be with, not traditions based on an idealistic way of culture from a time where you were surrounded by only those of your heritage). Sadly, my husbands parents also drilled these same expectations into his head from a young age, causing my husband to be conflicted for a long time because his parents did not and still do not accept me and he wanted to be loved by them (but that’s with those stipulations of what they want from and for him). My whole situation is very petty and upsetting and has to do with these old traditions to be clear and let’s be honest are only enforced for keeping face with other Albanians (the whole my life is perfect act is old and we all know it’s far from perfect). After all these years I know many people in his family and community who are miserably married because they kept with tradition to save face and portray the proper way of living, they jumped at getting married with to the best match or (ask) they could get, have short engagements not getting to know each other well at all (most just ask through the family grapevine what they have heard about the guy or girl and what kind of smoky they came from). During my time married into my husbands family I’ve seen many Albanian relationships where the married couple actually hate each other or just tolerate each other but continue to put on Aires and the big happy act when people come over and when asked how everything is and pretend like everything is wonderful. Many and I mean many husbands cheat actually in my husbands family I’d say 90% of husbands cheat and some knowingly (by the way with woman of other ethnicities) some wives too but don’t let them get caught only men can do that and get away with it. There is so much wrong with having to just respect the culture and do as you are told to be respected listening to rules by those who came before you. I’m sure these rules were understandable and manageable and maybe it was easy in Kosovo being surrounded by only Albanians (limiting your choices) but when you move to other places and are exposed to other cultures, people, experience and the big world those ideals prove to be so narrow minded that having to do as your told and basically trained shouldn’t be how you earn love and respect from your family and community. Honestly if you don’t do as you are expected you are looked down upon and thought of as a loser. In my soul I do believe that it’s best to do what’s right for you and love who you want even if that means you end up in a situation like mine with in-laws who treat you like dog crap or a third class citizen (well I’m not Albanian and don’t have a family to run to to tell them how I’m treated who will ruin their reputation so they are safe to be rotten to me). They literally told my husband that it was better to marry an Albanian whore than marry me (I’m a professional with a masters degree and work hard and love their son with my whole heart and have given them nothing but respect to the point they don’t deserve it). I came into their family excited and embraced the culture, only to be told to stay in the kitchen and wash dishes when people visited, don’t bring in coffee or greet people (I believe this is called hijsmet) you see in their eyes I am an embarrassment. I tried very hard to be liked, loved and respected and gave nothing but that but when I was and continue to be treated like diet and my child (their blood grandchild) gets treated like that too you have crossed a line and I know when I’m not wanted and they don’t deserve me so that’s what they get (my absence). However On the other hand my sister in law who married my husbands brother is Albanian and she is treated like a living God (shown off as if she was some beauty queen, that’s laughable she’s far from it) but she and her husband and their kids are treated like they shit gold (all because she is of the same culture. Here is all the backward bullshit that no one talks about, mind you my brother in law married my sister in law only a few months after they met in very compromised circumstances by the way since he was getting “old” (yes he cheated while they were engaged to the day he married with a woman from another culture he obviously was attracted to and continues to cheat but he did his duty and as his parents wanted and married her. Major brownie points with the folks there) Let’s talk about the unwritten rules no one speaks of underneath all the traditional respect and all the supposed happiness you will have if you listen to your parents (like get married to an Albanian since they are better) one big unwritten rule is you can cheat and sleep with whom ever you want, just don’t get them pregnant or forbid you marry them. Another rule if they do get pregnant send them the money to keep them quiet and don’t let anyone grind out if they do deny-deny-deny. Some of the Albanians I know are the most dishonest and unethical people you would ever meet ( I guess the code of honor is only upheld when people are watching or aware of situations, if it’s shady business or immoral or unethical you will het nothing but lies). I know many will be offended but this is what I’ve seen, I may sound bitter and that’s because I am, these damn small minded traditional expectations have made my life hell and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe there are happily married Albanian-Albanian who just went with the narrative and may have even wanted to but I have yet to actually see one couple in my husbands family who is actually happy when they followed these rules or set expectations (certainly not my in laws). My brother in law and sister in law lets call them the chosen ones had a hard time from the beginning of their relationship, like how they met, the cheating, starting out only knowing the fake personalities since they just met, not getting pregnant for years which is an expectation but thanks to medical treatments/$$$ they did which elated my in laws (yes it was a boy which was chosen from medically). All this “happiness” and still my brother in law had a mental breakdown due to his own greed (trying to get control of his fathers property) not wanting to hold a 9-5 and collect from this said property; his wife wanted to be the boss and snatched his balls (which is a big no-no for an Albanian wife, but no one knows that, that’s all behind closed doors.) My sister in law is a miserable woman who literally tells my mother in law to F herself daily (such a sweet nuse) but she’s smart enough to know that she can’t treat my father in law like (only sometimes, but most the time you’d think that was her husband by the way her lips connect to his ass) all because he holds the purse strings and she married up so she holds on for dear life in the marriage for face and to be sure to get her cut of their properties. I’ve got to give it her and her husband she’s very good at manipulation she helped her husband manage to get my husband disinherited on paper and put their names on the properties. She also pretended to befriend me and spread lies about me and make up lies left and right, making mother mother in law hate me at a level I’ve never seen (gossip is real in the Albanian culture and those woman go to work in the phone line). It’s all very soap opera and trashy jerry springer like on the inside but wrapped with a bow on the outside, served up real nice like a fat pig with lipstick. Although my relationship has never been rainbows and butterflies the love between my husband and I is pure and I’d know him blindfolded, yes what keeps us together (despite his father claiming this American would divorce him and turn on him when in fact his family who was supposed to live him turned on him) they never saw the realness of us that our relationship came easy, we knew each other at the best and worst before marrying and knew what we wanted out of life, got engaged, got pregnant and had our baby the year we married and have been in love ever since no cheating, thick as thieves relationship (the truth is they have been hoping and rooting for us to fail) too bad. In my situation and what I have seen and observed I feel sorry for those trapped by traditional expectations who are just going through the motions, im sorry that they don’t know what true love is, and won’t experience it. I love my husband so much I’d walk through hell for him and that includes dealing with his hateful ethnocentric family who simply never gave me a chance all because I’m not Albanian (but they stay together to prove to their family that they got it all. Yes on the outside they checked those Albanian perfection boxes but on the inside all I’ve seen is unhappiness). Sadly my one regret is that my husband also gets treated like garbage by his parents, got his inheritance taken from him (due to his brother being in his fathers ear and saying since marrying me he didn’t follow through and didn’t deserve it which of course is a punishment) it’s so unfair when he worked since he was a child for it, was actually taken out of school by his parents so they could slave him For their personal gain. But because he loves me he says he wouldnt change a thing and he would lose his inheritance for me Me any day). That’s real love. I hope everyone of any culture or nationality gets to find true love. I hope those reading this think twice before they put these expectations on their kids do to culture and whomever they marry may it be for love and nourish that relationship.
Long story: I married my husband whom I dated for many years. He is born in the USA his parents immigrated to the USA from Kosovo. We have been together for over 20 years and that is do to our love for each other. (love knows no culture it has to do with your heart and who you are meant to be with, not filling the ideals of what someone else makes for you). Sadly, His parents drilled these same expectations into his head from a young age and my husband was conflicted for a long time because his parents did not and still do not accept me. It’s all very petty and has to do with these old traditions and let’s be real keeping face with other Albanians. I know many people in his family who are miserably married because they kept with tradition, jumped at getting married at the best match or (ask) they could get, when they didn’t know each other well at all. I’ve seen many Albanian relationships where the married couple actually hate each other but continue to put on Aires and the big happy act when people come over like everything is wonderful. Many and I mean many husbands cheat (by the way with woman of other ethnicities), some wives too but don’t let them get caught only men can do that and get away with it. There is so much wrong with having to just respect the culture and do as those who came before you did, maybe it was easy in Kosovo being surrounded by only Albanians but when you move to other places and are exposed to other cultures, people and experience the big world those ideals prove to be so small and narrow minded that having to do as your told and trained shouldn’t be how you earn love and respect from your family and community. In my soul I do believe that it’s best to do what’s right for you and love who you want even if that means you end up in my situation (with in-laws who treat you like dog crap or a third class citizen). They literally told my husband that it was better to army an Albanian whore than marry me (I’m a professional with a masters degree and work hard and love their son with my whole heart) however my sister in law who married my husband brother is Albanian and she is treated like a living God and so is her husband (the chosen/good son) and their children. Here is all the backward bullshit that no one talks about, mind you my brother in law married my sister in law only a few months after they met (yes he cheats and did while they were engaged with a woman from another culture he obviously was attracted to but did his duty and married her to tik the boxes and gain family brownie points) it’s like there are unwritten rules no one speaks of underneath all the traditional respect and just how happy you will be if you listen to your parents (like get married to an Albanian they are better, but cheat and sleep with whom ever you choose, just don’t get them pregnant or marry them, if they do get pregnant send them the money to keep them quiet. These tactics in the USA seem to keep the traditions going. I may sound bitter and that’s because I am, these damn small minded traditional expectations have made my life hell and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe there are happy family who just went with the narrative but I have yet to actually see one couple in my husbands family who is actually happy when they followed the rules, certainly not my in laws. My brother in law and sister in law lets call them the chosen ones had a hard time from the beginning of their relationship like the cheating, outing in fake personalities, not getting pregnant which is an expectation but after years of medical treatments/$$$ they did which checked the box and elated my in laws, however my brother in law eventually had a mental breakdown due to his own greed, not wanting to work but collect from his fathers pockets and because his wife wanted to be the boss and snatched his balls (which is a big no-no for an Albanian wife, but no one knows that, that’s all behind closed doors) sister in law is a miserable woman who literally tells my mother in law to F herself daily but she’s smart enough to know that she can’t treat my father in law like (only sometimes, but most the time you’d think that was her husband by the way her lips connect to his ass) and that’s because he holds the purse strings and she married up and holds on to dear life in the marriage for face and to get her cut of their properties. She’s very good at manipulation because they managed to get my husband disinherited on paper and put their names on the properties. It’s all very soap opera and jerry springer on the inside but wrapped with a bow on the outside, served up real nice like chai. However my relationship has never been rainbows and butterflies but our love and knowing each other inside and out keeps us together, our relationship came easy, knew each other at the best and worst before marrying and knew what we wanted out of life, got engaged, got pregnant and had our baby early on and have been in love ever since no cheating and happiness and knowing we will make it because of our love (but the chance our relationship fails I will love him even if the best thing to do is divorce, because I love him enough to want my husband happy even if that’s not with me). In my situation and what I have seen and observed I feel sorry for those trapped by traditional expectations who are just going through the motions, im sorry that they don’t know what love is, I love my husband so much I’d walk through hell for him and that includes dealing with his hideous family who hates me all because I’m not Albanian (but they stay together to prove to their family that they got it all. Yes on the outside they checked those Albanian perfection boxes but on the inside they want to kill each other). Sadly my one regret is that my husband also gets treated like garbage, got his inheritance taken from him for marrying me so unfair when he worked since he was a child for it, was actually taken out of school so he could be slaves by his father and on call to fix things (but because he loves me he says he would change a thing and lose his inheritance for me Me any day). That’s real love. I hope you find it and I hope those reading this think twice before they put these expectations in their kids do to culture.
I came upon this article by chance and it gives me a lot of insight to my relationship and this one issue we’ve had. I’m Latino, specifically Peruvian, and I’ve been dating an Albanian (family is from Tirana) girl (we’re both 20) for the past year and a half and I’m Gaga for her. We go to Fordham Uni in the Bronx, where there is a rich Albanian presence and I can say that with me dating her I’ve begun to be very excited about her heritage and the people she hails from. I love the burek I get around the corner and I think the Albanian flag is awesome. I try to learn some shqip here and there to try and surprise her because she speaks fluently. Being Peruvian and having family from Lima, I appreciate and respect an incredible culture when I see one. However, I still haven’t met her parents and that is something that has always bothered me because I wasn’t sure what the big deal is. She always amounted it to culture and it being too soon and how her father might feel. I worried that I might not meet them until a marriage or if I do, they might not like me because I’m non-Albanian. It seemed like a weird, losing battle and it ate me up inside. Having done a lot of research to get a better idea about why this is the case, I feel like reading this article now has been one of the best at understanding someone’s inner conflict regarding this. Even down to the point where the father doesn’t customarily speak with their children about these topics. After understanding much of this with all the pieces I read I’ve realized that none of it is her fault, it isn’t impacting the relationship between me and her, and I love her to death. I’ve been a lot happier since, and I’ve learned much knowledge about the Albanian culture too. I plan on marrying the girl anyway, so maybe I should be more open if I have to wait until engagement to meet her parents LMAO. Hoping that I get to meet the family soon tho!
When I was a very young adult I fell in love with a women with an Albanian women. Which we had 1 son which we named Adrian. Although having a child at a young age and it definitely put a strain on the families. I always wish we could have worked things out. Especially for our som however, I was finally offered hand in marriage 15 years later. Which I can definitely we were definitely at different places in our life. I one day hope that my son never has to go through what we went through. I do hope he meets a nice lady and I do at times wish Albanian because of how loyal the women seem to be.
I'm latina and have been happily married to an Albanian for over 7 years. Although, our cultures are different we value and respect each other's roots. My mother in law is an AMAZING woman and I love her like I love my own mother. Yes, intercultural relationships can be more challenging but when there is love and respect those differences are minimal. Open you mind people!
I’m sorry to say this but you are all fools to believe this dramatic incorrect view of loving who ever you want and trashing the Albanian tradition/ culture/ blood our ancestors died for.. Do you know Albanian have a higher divorce rates marrying a non Albanian than an actual Albanian. I have heard and seen many idiotic Albanians whom marry non-Albanians and eventually getting divorced.... Western European culture is known to have high divorce rates and yet you Albanians, want to be considered Western so badly that you do not want to see the truth that this western culture in regards to relationships/marriage and traditions is highly flawed and setting you up for failure. I understand that at the moment in your life you are clouded with immature and selfish thoughts but you will see that you all made a mistake, true love is marrying your own and it is based on tradition, respect, and pride. It’s not easy being an Albanian but we are survivors, we have seen the rise and fall of the romans (our language is partially latinized due to Roman occupation during ancient times, the Greeks, Slavs, brief French rule during the 10-11th century, the ottomans and the former jugoslavia... we survived because we stuck with our own and had the mindset as a team not this foolish “individualism” concept that these uneducated immature kids believe these days that left them without purpose in life. Pleas do not confuse lust with love.... this the main reason why in the Western Culture there is a higher rates of divorce because the LACK OF KNOWLEDGE IN LOVE.
I agree with GJ Berisha on this stop portraying us backwards. Also, [obscenity deleted]* try being an Albanian woman *This comment has been edited by K2.0 in line with our house commenting principles: https://kosovotwopointzero.com/en/k2-0-commenting-principles/
I agree with you Gezim. Just love who you ever you want. Don’t let the family value change your personality, because of it only will destroy you. So keep on doing what you feel, and not let your relatives take over your life. Can tell you that, i had being in love with non albanian women myself. For example Swedish and Finnish girls, when I was a kid. Lives and being raised in Sweden by the way. And I am not ashamed of it one single time, no matter where she’s coming from, religion and looks ect. No matter what people in Kosovo are saying to me. I still don’t care about my own repution, in my own country. Also what they are thinking of me. Because of the only thing that matters, for me most in my life, is that. I am only just trying to be, a so a good person as possible. By taking care of those who loves me. And not trying to betray them, to those who is only trying to destroy me. By manipulating me with things that I am easily getting sickened of. So just do it. Don’t care about what your relatives are thinking, just try to be yourself. Because of trust me you are gonna have a so good life as possible then.
This actually happened with me. Me being of a different nationality and him an albanian kosovan. Both muslims but his family could nt accept my heritage and neither could mine accept his.
I reached the post by chance but it was awsome. Although I have a different nationality, but I've seen the fact you discussed about in my family and it really hurts. Specially the guys of these cultural types feel so responsible for the feelings of their family and falling in love turns into a big and unsolvable moral dilemma.
You're absolutely right, every albanian who deny this problem, that is deeply rooted in our patriotic culture, is ignorant to the bitter truth. As for you, Berisha, stop potraying albanian culture in a glorifying way just to fit your narrow mind. The albanian culture holds old authentic traditions that are backwards - therefore we need reforms; letting go of oppressive traits that exists in the culture; frankly, albanian people should have to get rid of the patriarchal values that form the foundations of the Albanian culture. But, if that happens, who would we then be? And if it doesn't happen; the people, whos dignity have been disrespected, will gradually, but surely, leave the culture for their individualism.
I am Albanian and this text doesn't doesn't reflect Albanian culture and nation. It reflects author's personal complexes. Intermarriage is an issue in every national group. No different with Albanians. Humans are tribal beings and each and everyone likes to stick with their own. It is not better for an Albanian to marry a non-Albanian; an Albanian marrying an Albanian is not wrong and and Albanian parents who want their kids to marry Albanians are just like German parents who want their kids to marry Germans and so on. So stop portraying Albanians as being more backwards than others.
Gëzim, I suggest you let yourself love whoever your heart desires, so long as they respect you, your family, culture and beliefs. My boyfriend who isn't Albanian loves our culture, food, country and pride. He most of all respects me and my beliefs and customs, and you can't ask for more. My immediate family including my extended family in Kosov love my boyfriend, because he loves not just me, but where I am from and everything about our tiny little nation. Dont worry about perceptions, they change, and I wouldn't base my life decisions on those sorts of things, you may end up miserable with someone you don't love. Concentrate on finding someone who is nice and loves you for who you are!