Lately | Democracy

Three cheers for peaceful Rambo!

By - 03.06.2017

More highlights from election season.

Kosovo is gearing itself up for election day on June 11, with the official campaign launched on Wednesday (May 31). Election season has now descended into a frenzy with delusional campaign strategies, awkward meetings and bizarre photo opportunities popping up all over the country. These are some of K2.0’s favourite moments from this week.

Most creative campaign

PDK took reaching potential voters to a new level this week, posting posters of three candidates for the Assembly in a graveyard in Drenica. While many people mocked Bekim Haxhiu, Naim Bazaj and Muharrem Xhemajli, K2.0 would like to salute their initiative. With so many people on the voting lists having passed on into the next life, and the number of voters in previous elections having cast their ballot from beyond the grave, PDK are clearly looking to reach a section of the electorate beyond this world. Thumbs up to the candidates treating all voters equally, dead or alive.

Most child friendly

Also, thinking outside the box is Vetevendosje candidate for prime minister, Albin Kurti. With his party making clear its priority to lower the voting age, Kurti spent time this week wowing the younger electorate. On June 1, Kurti met with his future voters to read them the story of Luli Vocerr (Tiny Luli), who overcame poverty to complete his education. Kurti told a future generation of socialists that our problems will be solved if we share our two apples equally but K2.0 is still confused about what to do if our one Apple is broken.

Most surprising candidate

In a decision that has shocked onlookers, former American vice-President Joe Biden has joined LDK and is standing as a deputy for the Kosovo Assembly. In promotional posters that have been shared across social media, Biden is a picture of virility, shown dancing with a glamorous younger woman. K2.0 is sure that Smooth Joe will make an excellent deputy and crush his enemies before conqu… I’m sorry what? Joe’s not running? Vlora who? She wants to deepen what?!? Ohhhh, alliances! Sorry guys. Fake news. Fake news.

Closest friendship

PDK president Kadri Veseli spent last weekend in Mitrovica at the celebrations for local football club Trepca 89’s championship winning season. Veseli clearly has a lot of close ties in the city, and Facebook documented the magical moment when Veseli bumped into one of his best buddies, “Mc Kreshta.” Rumours that Vesteli, Kreshta, Unikappil, Gold AT and Toizy blazed up after the match have been denied.

Most awkward seating arrangement

Later in the week at a PDK campaign meeting, two far less close associates of Veseli, Nasim Haradinaj and Hajdar Beqa, found themselves getting very intimately acquainted after a seating mix up. Beqa foolishly had the temerity to occupy the chair designated for Veseli, and had to quickly relocate to the nearest seat, which turned out to be on Haradinaj’s knee. New PDK royalty, Arbana Xharra, squirmed out of the way of this front row scene of affection, as she sidled closer still to Veseli.

Most culturally astute

On Friday, (June 2) the pre-election coalition of AKR, Alternativa and LDK released their platform for the upcoming election. In the 9-page pamphlet, policies for culture, youth and sport are outlined in ten bullet points, and include a pledge to establish an Ethnological Museum in Kosovo. The promise will come as a shock to the Ethnological Museum in Prishtina, which has been functioning since 2006, who suddenly find themselves with new competitors in the market. LDK: once again committed to competition in the public sector.  

Most equal distribution of labor

This week AKR leader Behgjet Pacolli attempted to draw a vivid anecdote for voters to demonstrate the unfulfilled promises of successive PDK governments, through the metaphor of a wife during Ramadan. Playing the role of the fictitious husband, Pacolli demands to know from his concubine whether she has collected the water, lit the fire and prepared the food for iftar. The wife confirms she has performed her duties, before in a shock twist it turns out she has in fact been dishonest! We’re not surprised she lied to you Behgjet, do some work yourself mate.

Most hardworking

With thousands of members of Kosovo’s diaspora unable to register to vote, there was a clear victim as the electoral system struggled to cope. No, not democracy, the Daka family. Speaking to Radio Free Europe, head of the Central Election Commission Valdete Daka outlined the chronic fatigue experienced in the CEC offices, “We don’t even have time for family. We don’t have a personal life!” she explained.

K2.0 would like to be the first to show support for a crowdfunding initiative to raise funds for Ms. Daka and the whole CEC team to take an extended trip to a nana naile health spa to recover, perhaps until the next busy season for the CEC when local elections take place in November.

….and the Nobel Peace prize goes to….

This week, the PDK-AAK-Nisma coalition’s candidate for prime minister Ramush Haradinaj showed a softer, peace-loving side. The man formerly known as “Rambo” first rejected the conflict of a televised debate with his fellow candidates for prime minister, before being awarded the title of “Missionary of Peace” by the Diplomatic Mission for Peace and Prosperity, a universe conquering organization whose mantra appears on the homepage of their delightful website, in the form of a quote from their founder, well known Balkan hero and author of the Dayton Peace Accords, Richard Holbrooke: “The ideas remain ideas, remain idyllic dreams and nostalgya [sic] if they are not embraced by energetic people with the soul of action…” Truly inspiring stuff.

Haradinaj’s award is likely to receive its most fervent celebrations in the Serbian city of Nis, to where he recently promised to extend Kosovo’s borders. Speculation is abound that he may even receive the key to the city, as peoples across the Balkans demonstrate their appreciation of the new, peaceful Rambo. We hope the Nobel Prize judges are paying attention.